


ghosts in the eyes of all the boys you sent away

by luke hemmings (wishingforlondon)



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: I'M JUST, Like, M/M, Not, YALL I AM BACK, but i've almost finished writing it! so the wait is gone, but that's okay!, i've had this idea for awhile, it's really shitty, it's turning out better than i expected guys, leggooooo, pls read this, so cute!!, so i'd read it, so i'm letting it play out, sorry for the year long wait
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-29
Updated: 2015-08-25
Packaged: 2018-02-10 22:49:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 6,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2043210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wishingforlondon/pseuds/luke%20hemmings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>or, 8 times calum told luke he loved him, and one time luke told him back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. love me so damn loose

the first time luke hemmings was told he was loved was by his boyfriend, calum. it was 3am on a saturday night, and it was through a voicemail. luke heard it the next morning.

“hey luke!” slurred calum’s voice down the line, his words giving away how drunk he was. luke sighed – he hated when calum was drunk. drunk calum did stupid things, and Luke didn’t like that. “anyway, luke, i just wanted to say – shit, mikey, stop, i’m on the phone – right, where was i? right, luke! yes, you. okay. luke hemmings, i am in love with you.”

calum’s voice cut off after that, replaced by the shouts and cheers of those around him. luke didn’t know what to say, didn’t know what he wanted to say. he’d never had anyone tell him he was loved before.

he and calum hadn’t been dating that long, either. just a few weeks – was it five now? And neither one of them had muttered the l-word yet. so luke did what anyone (or at least he tried to reassure himself) would do, as in, he ignored calum.

he didn’t mention it the next day when he saw calum at the studio, didn’t talk to him at all. he clung to ashton at all times except for when he was recording, wishing the problem would go away. he wondered if calum even remembered saying anything at all. he doubted it.

nearly a week passed without a word spoken between calum and luke. at night, they would lay curled next to each other as if nothing was wrong at all. but there was a constant, unspeakable tension in the air that was ripping apart luke’s heart, making him wonder what inspired him to do this to himself, to calum.

on the next saturday night, calum stayed home. he stayed home and made luke dinner, or tried at least. they ended up ordering pizza from a local shop, laying on the floor of their living room watching finding nemo. for a minute, it felt like nothing had ever gone wrong at all.

but luke knew they had to talk about it, and if they were going to break up, he’d rather it be sooner than later.

“cal… i’m sorry for, um, ignoring you the last couple days. you probably don’t remember why and i’m really sorry for doing this, i act impulsively sometimes, but you know that, and i know that you’re probably tired of me treating you this way, so if you want to break up with me that’s fine. just, um, let me know now? don’t lead me on. please.”

“lukey…”

“i’m being serious! i just… i feel like shit for doing this to you because you don’t deserve it, and i know i fuck up a lot and i’m really sorry and i don’t mean to but i still do and i’m just repeating myself now. i’ll shut up. sorry.”

“i’m not going to break up with you. and i do remember, by the way.”

“you do?”

“yeah. i just didn’t say anything, in case, um, you didn’t want me to remember. or something.”

“it’s okay if you do, you know, love me.”

“i’ve loved you for years, luke hemmings. i’m in love with you.”

luke thought that maybe he was in love with calum too.


	2. you'll marry a music man

the second time calum told luke he loved him was a month after the first. and, really, luke had been waiting for it, on edge and terrified of what he’d do when it happened. it was like he was 14 again – sitting on the edge of his seat in math class, struggling to keep himself from blurting out the answer. except, this time, he didn’t know the answer.

luke hemmings didn’t know what love was. he googled it, read that love changes a person, but he felt the same. he read that love is hell and that to love is to search for the part of yourself that you’re missing. he felt pretty whole, though (or was calum already completing him? he didn’t know. he doesn’t remember every feeling incomplete).

so a month later, he was struggling to come to terms with what exactly he felt for calum hood. maybe it was love. if it wasn’t yet, it would be one day. he would do anything for calum. if calum wanted one of saturn’s moons, luke would probably find a way to give it to him. 

here he was, sitting in a studio in los angeles at age 18, attempting to understand his feelings. he felt like a 16 year old girl. frowning and staring at the piece of paper sitting in front of him, luke bit the end of his pen, wincing when the plastic taste spread throughout his mouth.

he doesn’t understand why the band is already writing songs for their next album. they’d written well over a hundred for their first; luke doesn’t understand why they couldn’t just use some of those. or maybe he was just being sour, because something that usually came to him with ease was proving to be difficult. 

luke looked across the room and watched ashton fidget in his chair for a minute, leaning over the table at a piece of paper half covered with words.

“any luck, ash?”

“what? oh, yeah. . . some, i guess. you?”

“nothing.” luke responded, frowning again.

ashton looked up, surprised. “what? but normally you have tons of ideas.”

“i guess writing so many songs for the album kinda wiped me out,” he responded. ashton nodded, understanding. “i don’t really get why we’re already songwriting, but if it’s what management wants, i guess it’s what they’re going to get.”

“why don’t you write about calum?”

“i don’t. . . like, i don’t want to write another love song, y’know? we’ve written so many. but i don’t have any motivation for anything other than a love song, but when i try and think about writing a love song, i can’t even think of where to start. does that even make sense?”

“go take a break.”

“what?”

“take a break. go call calum or something. hell, i don’t know. but it’s obvious that sitting here staring at a piece of paper isn’t going to do you any good.”

luke nodded slowly, grabbing his phone and standing up, walking out of the room into the hallway. he didn’t want to go far, so he just sort of slid down the wall and sat there, unlocking his phone to send calum a text.

_hey cal!_

a minute later, his phone buzzed.

_hey lukey :) how’s songwriting?_

luke sighed, unsure of what to say. after a minute, he decided to tell his boyfriend the truth.

_pretty shit, i guess. idk i can’t seem to write anything._

_i’m sorry :/ you can try doing what i do, if you want?_

_what’s that?_

_take a few deep breaths, and think of something that you really care about. think of how you would describe that something to someone who doesn’t understand._

luke closed his eyes, taking several long, deep breaths. he thought of calum, thought of his big brown eyes and the way they lit up whenever they saw luke. after a minute or two, his phone buzzed again.

_did it work??_

_yea :-)_

_swag! go get ‘em, rockstar <3 i love you!_

luke smiled, calum’s words not even phasing him. he responded quickly to calum’s text, before standing up and sliding his phone into his jeans, before walking back into the studio. he had a song to write.

_:-)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if u guys have any ideas for how calum can say he loves luke then just let me know :-) it might be better than the ideas i have so!! i'll give ya credit too if ya want ;-)


	3. under these lights you look beautiful

they were back on tour, now, in some faraway city that luke never would’ve dreamed of visiting just a few short years ago. luke’s also pretty sure that the band has been to this city before, but, then again, most cities look the same (a bunch of buildings and streets that seem to shine, lights that make the place look like its burning, and the absence of those stars 14 year old luke found comfort in, alone at night in his bedroom in sydney).

luke was bored, too. they’d gotten to whatever city they were in a few hours ago, but due to the number of fans in the nearby vicinity, 5sos wasn’t allowed to leave the hotel. so here luke was, an 18 year old boy with a sense for adventure, trapped in a hotel room in a relatively unfamiliar hotel room at 3:00am.

calum was sleeping. at least, luke thought he was. every so often the older boy would roll over and let out a deep sigh. he seemed restless tonight, and luke felt bad, even though he knew it wasn’t his fault. the whole band had been on edge lately. the success of their album, as well as the success of the today show and jimmy kimmel, had made them more famous than they were before, and they weren’t sure how to deal with it. even still, it was rare that they had a chance to get a good night’s sleep. 

luke sat there, lost in thought, for what felt like an eternity.

“lukey?” came calum’s voice from the other side of the room, breaking the silence. “you up?”

“yeah,” luke responded, his voice hoarse. “what’s up?”

“can’t sleep.”

luke nodded, even though he knew calum couldn’t see. “same.”

“want to, like, go for a walk or something? i know we’re not supposed to leave the hotel, but it’s like really late. i doubt anyone will be awake.”

“i’d love to.”

both boys got out of their beds, quickly getting dressed and pulling on their shoes. they quietly exited the hotel room, running towards the elevator, through the lobby, and out of the hotel.

the city was quiet and cool that night. it had rained earlier, and the streets were shining in the way that only rain lets them. it was weird, seeing a vibrant city asleep, but luke wouldn’t change it for anything. he was glad he was awake, glad he was in this unknown city, glad he was with calum.

the pair started walking randomly, subconsciously keeping track of where they went so that they wouldn’t get lost. somehow, after what seemed like an hour of walking, they ended up in a park.

it wasn’t a very large park. it was small and well-lit though, with a fountain in the middle that was running like it wasn’t late september, but rather the middle of the summer. to luke, it felt like something out of a dream. maybe he actually was dreaming, his body asleep back at the hotel while his mind was alive down here.

“this is beautiful,” breathed calum, his breath showing in the night air. 

“i miss being able to do this,” luke said, pausing for a minute. “being able to walk around like normal people. being able to be alone and being able to do things for myself without having to think of others. i don’t know.”

“i know what you mean.”

“i wouldn’t trade this for anything; it’s all i’ve ever wanted. but sometimes i wish we hadn’t gotten it like this.”

“yeah.”

the two stood in silence for a few minutes, watching as the water cycled through the fountain and thinking about the life that they found themselves living.

“there aren’t any stars here,” muttered calum, breaking the silence. “i feel like we haven’t seen them in awhile.”

“we’ve been spending so much time in cities that i’m starting to forget the way the stars light up the sky.”

“hey lukey?”

“yeah, cal?”

“i know they aren’t stars, but under these lights, i think you look beautiful.” 

luke could feel his face turning red, but he didn’t hide his face.

“and i know you’re not ready to say it back, but i love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't forget to hmu if u have any creative ideas for how calum can say he loves luke :D they may be better than mine sooo


	4. but it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for

six months. that’s how long luke and calum had been dating. six long, joyful, but occasionally difficult, months. luke finally knew what it meant when people say they’re having the time of their lives. the thing was, is that calum was his life.

every day that passed, luke felt more and more pressured to tell calum that he loved him too. but he just couldn’t do it. he didn’t know why, but sometimes felt like he was waiting for the perfect moment. it would come along, eventually, and luke would tell calum that he loved him too, and they would live happily ever after. 

the morning of their six month anniversary, luke woke up curled up in his bunk on their tour bus. he didn’t know where they were at the moment, he just knew that he hoped they got to spend a night in a hotel soon. the problem with being ten feet tall is that luke doesn’t exactly fit in the bus bunks, and he felt it every morning when he woke up. his back would be sore and his legs wouldn’t stretch the way they normally would. all in all, waking up on the bus meant a cranky luke hemmings, which, on occasion, was particularly disastrous.

on this particular day, luke hadn’t slept a wink either. he was tired and sore and cranky and really wasn’t in the mood to be smothered by calum. 

“calum, fuck off. i don’t want to cuddle.” snapped luke, glaring at his boyfriend, who stood in front of him pouting.

“but, lukey…” 

“i said, fuck off.” 

dejected and close to tears, calum went to find michael and ashton, who were hanging out in the back of the bus. 

sighing heavily, luke got out his phone, completely oblivious to the importance of the day and to the fact that his boyfriend was crying two rooms away. after responding to a text from his mum, luke open twitter and sent out a tweet.

tired :(

within seconds, thousands of avid fans had replied, and so luke closed the twitter app, hoping to escape from his overflowing interactions and maybe doze off for a few minutes. but it was not to be.

“what the fuck did you do, luke?” interrogated a voice from the door separating the bus lounge from the bunks.

“what do you mean ‘what did i do?’ i didn’t do anything. fuck off, mikey.”

“calum is back there fucking crying, luke. you definitely did something.”

luke sat up at that. “what? he’s crying? but i swear i didn’t do anything. at least i don’t think i did.”

michael sighed at the younger boy, who was now running his hands over his face and tugging at his hair in distress. 

“you know he’s sensitive, mate. you have to apologize.”

“but i don’t know what i did. all i can think of is that i told him i didn’t want to cuddle. i don’t see why that’s such a big deal.”

“it doesn’t have to be a big deal, but you still need to apologize.”

“since when did you become the expert on relationships?” asked luke, eyes peeking out from behind his hands.

“since now. i’m michael clifford, relationship whisperer.”

“yeah, okay. now fuck off.”

“as long as you apologize to calum.”

“i will, i will.”

when michael had left and luke was certain he would actually be left alone, he rolled over and tried to get some sleep. he’d deal with calum later.

later ended up being much later than he intended, as calum seemed intent on avoiding him for the remainder of the day. later ended up being the next day, when luke finally cornered calum backstage before their show.

“calum…”

“let me go. i need to go tune my bass.”

“i’m sorry, okay? i miss you. i can’t handle you not talking to me.”

“yeah, well, apparently you don’t really care about us, so maybe you don’t care about me either.”

“what? calum, that’s ridiculous. i care about you more than anyone.”

“you forgot our six month anniversary, luke. you just forgot. and you told me to fuck off on the morning of our six month anniversary. how am i supposed to feel?”

“shit.”

“yeah, ‘shit,’” responded calum, tears welling up in his eyes. “can i go now?”

“calum, i’m so sorry.”

“okay.”

“hear me out. i’m really sorry i forgot and that i snapped at you and i know it’s not really an excuse, but i haven’t been sleeping because i don’t fit in the bus bunks. i haven’t really gotten a good night sleep, or any sleep at all, for like a week and that’s really not an excuse because i never should’ve snapped at you. i’m just a really sucky person, i guess. but i never meant to forget and i definitely did not intend to hurt you – fuck, that’s the last thing i’d want.”

“luke –“

“i’m almost done, i swear. and i hate myself for hurting you because i’m supposed to care for you and like not hurt you, y’know? and i suck and i’m not a very good boyfriend obviously, but i’ll try and be better i promise. just please keep talking to me. i need you in my life.”

“okay.”

“really?”

“yeah, you lunatic. you know i love you, right?”


	5. we learned more from a three-minute record than we ever learned in school

they were going to be on the radio tonight. like, this was a normal thing for them now. luke was simply amazed at what his life had turned into. he, luke hemmings, a boy of 18, was going to be on the radio. and it was a normal thing. and there would be girls outside screaming his name even though he was gay (although, they didn’t know that. but whatever. it’s the principle).

but for now, luke would sleep. they were in the van on the way to whatever radio station they were going to be on, luke’s face tucked into calum’s neck, the older boy’s arm wrapped around him. luke hadn’t been sleeping again. but it was okay this time, because he knew calum would be next to him every step of the way. besides, they were spending tonight in a hotel. 

an hour later, they were sitting in the studio, ready for the interview. luke was nervous, but when was he not? his nerves often got the best of him, but he refused to let them tonight.

“hello, we’re here with the band behind the hit summer single, she looks so perfect, 5 seconds of summer. now, boys, tell me, what was the inspiration behind the song?”

ashton answered, as they’d rehearsed. “well, like, it’s about waking up in the morning and seeing a girl, your girl or whatever, and realizing that, yeah, i’m so down.”

“so down to what?”

“spending the rest of your life with her,” piped up michael, hunched over in his chair next to luke.

“now, which are you are single?”

“all of us, answered calum, grabbing luke’s hand under the table. “we don’t really have time to be in any relationships at the moment.”

“we’re single pringles!” yelped michael, making luke roll his eyes.

“luke, you’ve been quiet tonight.”

“oh, yeah, um, i’m just tired.”

“well, i have a question for you. what inspired you to go into music?”

“um, well, it’s really all that i’ve ever wanted. there’s, uh, a song lyric that describes it.”

“and what’s that?”

“you’ve heard of bruce springsteen right? wait, who hasn’t. anyway, um, the lyric goes ‘we learned more from a three-minute record than we ever learned in school.’ and i think that really fits what we’re trying to do. we’re like, not making music for the sake of making music. we’re making music that has meaning and purpose and that’s important to us. and i think that’s why i wanted to go into music, to share something with the world.”

“enlightening, lukey,” smirked ashton from across the table.

“shut up, ash.”

luke squeezed calum’s hand under the table, overwhelmed by the fact that, holy shit, he just gave a fucking monologue over the fucking radio to who knows how many people. and holy shit he did it, and he’d never done anything quite like that before.

within two hours, the boys were at their hotel for the night. luke flopped down on the bed, exhausted. 

“hey luke?”

“yeah, cal?”

“you were amazing tonight.”

luke rolled over to face calum. “it was just a radio interview.”

“yeah, but you gave that soliloquy or whatever. and i don’t know. i was kind of turned on.”

luke smirked. “i tend to have that effect on you.”

“yeah,” smiled calum, laying down next to luke, “you do.”

the two boys immediately melted into each other, and started falling asleep. 

“by the way, luke…”

“yeah?” muttered luke, half asleep.

“i love you.”


	6. to live and not to breathe is to die (in tragedy)

luke was hyper. like, really, really hyper. and this didn’t happen often, he was normally oretty calm and collected. but ashton had discovered a massive stash of sour patch kids in their dressing room following their latest show in wherever, usa (was it even the usa? luke didn’t know), and so the two had endeavored on a quest to eat all of them (which they did).

mix that with the vodka they had stashed in their bus, and, well, it wasn’t a pretty sight.

calum rolled his eyes at luke and ashton playing around on the floor in front of the sofa. 5sos was on its way to the next city, and instead of sleeping like he normally would, calum was stuck babysitting some toddlers stuck in 18 and 20 year old bodies. 

“so, one time, when i was like, 6,” ashton started, giggling at something he hadn’t said yet. “was i 6? i might’ve been like 12 or something. anyway. i was on the bus with my mum, right?”

“oh my god i love your mum she’s the best” interrupted luke, shoving some more sour patch kids in his mouth. calum really wanted to take the damn candy away from luke and ashton at this point.

“shhhh, i’m telling my story! anyway i was on the bus with my mum and there was this girl, with, like, a pad up her nose?”

“ashton, you idiot, it was a fucking tampon!” yelled michael from the bunks.

“how the fuck would you know? i didn’t even know you then, you dickhead.”

“a pad wouldn’t fucking fit. jesus, you have a damn sister.”

“she’s like 7. anyway, there was a fucking whatever up her nose. like who does that?”

“she put it in the wrong hole!” squealed luke, shrieking with laughter. as much as he wanted to sleep, calum couldn’t help but fall in love with the sight of luke, cheeks rosy from laughter and alcohol, rolling around in delight.

“this is the dumbest story i’ve ever heard,” muttered michael, collapsing on the sofa next to calum. “tell your damn boyfriend to shut the fuck up.”

“i was going to…but he’s so happy? i dunno, mate, you do it.”

“you’re so fucking whipped, cal.”

“and loving every minute of it!” calum replied cheerfully, smirking when michael rolled his eyes. calum felt something tugging on his leg, and looked down.

“cal?”

“lukey, i’m the puppy in the band, not you.”

“i wanna cuddle.”

“c’mon up here, then.” smiled calum, pushing michael off the sofa and ignoring the “ow!” that came from the older boy. out of the corner of his eye, calum saw michael carrying (more like dragging) a half asleep ashton to bed.

“i miss my mum,” mumbled luke, once he was settled into calum’s side. 

“same,” sighed calum, breathing into luke’s neck. 

“i wish we could tour the world without leaving home.”

“that kind of defeats the purpose, love.”

“it’s all happening so fast.”

“it’s crazy, isn’t it?”

“there’s no consistencies anymore. and like, i love consistencies. like having a routine and a schedule with everything in its place. but everything is constantly changing.”

“you’ll always have me and the boys, lukey. we’ll be your constant.”

“promise?”

“promise. and i promise i’ll be here loving you every step of the way.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i decided to put the chapter in calum's perspective sorta so like that was shit but it was worth a shot
> 
> see ya sooooon xx
> 
> (first posted on august 12, 2014)


	7. love don't exist when you live like this

by the end of august, luke was exhausted. there were only a few shows left in the tour, and he was eager to go home and to see his family. they’d finish the album––it’d be coming out in two short months and there was nothing for him to do after the tour was finished. 

luke was tired of being told what to do. he was tired of being told what he could and could not wear out in public or during shows, tired of being told what time to wake up and what time he had to be at a certain place. he was tired of being told when he was allowed to sing (“only on stage, during soundcheck, and in the studio, luke! we don’t want you losing your voice!” was the mantra repeating in his head as he lived his days in silence, listening to music but not able to sing along). he was just so _tired_.

this is what led him to some shady bar in toronto, where he sat alone, nursing his third (fourth? fifth?) beer. it was at least two in the morning, and he knew he had a show later that day, but still he sat as he had for the last few hours, drowning his loneliness with his desire to feel something. it wasn’t the first time this had happened either – whenever the band spent the night in a hotel, he would sneak out and find a bar

he knew he was living the dream. it was his dream, but now it was his life and it was at a scale that he never dreamed of and it was so overwhelming. most nights, it felt like he couldn’t breathe. he knew that he should talk to someone about it––he was sure that calum would listen––but he didn’t want to worry anyone. this was his problem, and he was going to find a way to fix it, but so far, this was the only thing that helped at all.

luke pulled his phone out of his pocket, ignoring the texts from the boys asking where he was. he opened twitter, typing out a tweet ( _@Luke5SOS: everything looks perfect from far away_ ) before stuffing his phone back into his pocket, paying for his drinks, and leaving.

thus began the sluggish walk back to the hotel, with an intoxicated luke dependant on apple maps and his shitty sense of direction. this was the normal routine, though. he’d done this before. he’d be fine.

it took 30 minutes to get back to the hotel (hadn’t it only taken 10 minutes to get to the bar earlier?), and he went around the back, successfully avoiding the fans who were camping out at the front entrance. _this is a part of the job_ , he reminded himself. 

luke trudged upstairs, opening the door to his hotel room only to see calum sitting on the edge of the bed, typing things on his phone. the older boy looked up when the door opened, a relieved expression on his face when he saw who it was.

“luke, you can’t keep doing this.”

“doing what?”

“sneaking out alone, going to bars, getting drunk, then coming back to the hotel at an ungodly hour. it’s not healthy.”

“who fucking cares?” luke responded, his voice raising to the point where he was almost yelling. “none of this is healthy! this lifestyle isn’t fucking healthy. we get followed everywhere we go. we can’t go outside during the day without getting mobbed.”

“i know, luke.”

“then why are you trying to take the only freedom i have away from me?” 

“i’m not, i just––luke, you need to stop. you can’t keep doing this to yourself. i love you too much to watch you self-destruct.”

“yeah, well, what if i want to?”

“want to what?” asked calum, slightly confused.

“self-destruct. what if i want to, i don’t know, feel something for once?”

“luke…”

“i know we’re dating and shit, but that doesn’t mean you get to tell me what to do.”

“i know, luke.”

“do you?” luke questioned, doubting that calum really understood. “you seem to be trying to do so right now.”

“luke, i––”

“can you please just go?” luke asked quietly, his voice cracking slightly. he was tired and didn’t feel like fighting anymore. he just wanted to sleep.

“luke, i love you, i don’t want you to get hurt,” calum begged. “please let me just try to help.”

“yeah, well, maybe you should stop.” luke said, shocked at the words coming out of his mouth, but unable to stop them.

“stop what? loving you?”

luke nodded, not saying anything. calum laughed bitterly, and luke immediately missed the smile that had been on his face earlier that day. 

“fuck this,” muttered calum. “i just want you to be happy, but apparently i’m not wanted anymore. i’ll be here when you decide to get your shit together, but until then, we’re over. i don’t deserve to be treated like shit.”

luke stood there, not saying anything, just staring at the ground, dreading what was coming next.

“goodnight, luke. see you around,” calum said, standing up and walking over to the door, opening it, before saying, “and just for the record? i don’t think i’ll ever stop loving you.”

the door slammed behind calum, and luke shuddered, walking over to the wall before sliding down it and folding in on himself. he could feel the tears forming in his eyes, and he wiped at them with his hands, before wrapping his arms around his knees and pulling them closer towards him. it took a minute for him to fully grasp what had happened, but when he did, he choked on a sob, his forehead pressed against his knees.

luke knew he’d fucked up. calum was done with him, and as the sounds of his muffled sobs echoed through the empty, dark hotel room, he realized he had no idea what he could do to fix it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry about the like. year long wait. oops. senior year got really insane and i kinda forgot about it until like two weeks ago or something.
> 
> as an apology, this chapter is the longest (and saddest) yet! woooo ok :D title comes from "young girls" by bruno mars and the lyrics in the tweet come from "such great heights" by the postal service. 
> 
> hope you enjoyed it! i've started working on the next chapter, so you should get it in a few days
> 
> thank you for reading xx


	8. when you’re young, you just run (but you come back to what you need)

they’d broken up 16 days ago. that’s all luke could think about as he stared down at his locked phone, the date glaring out at him from beneath the time, a constant reminder that he’d fucked up and that calum would probably never forgive him.

the tour was almost over––they had two shows left, and then they’d be headed back home for a bit before returning to the states and europe for endless promo. just thinking about it made luke exhausted, made him miss his bed and his childhood, where broken hearts hadn’t existed and where his mum could solve all his problems.

his mum couldn’t solve his problems now, though. no one could, except himself, but right now he really doubted his ability to do anything right. he’d spent most of the last 16 days hiding from the boys, disappearing after shows and hiding out in his bunk when they didn’t stay in a hotel (when they did, though, he’d sneak out to bars and clubs, not returning to the hotel until dawn).

luke knew his behavior was self-destructive (as calum had so kindly told him), but he couldn’t stop. he needed it. he needed the relief that alcohol offered him, the escape from the pain of his broken heart and his pounding head and the toxic lifestyle he’d thought he’d wanted. 

so here he was at 4:30am, sitting at a bar in yet another unknown city (but this time, he was pretty sure they were in florida), drinking and scrolling through pictures of him and calum that were saved on his phone. 

he was just so tired. he hadn’t slept more than an hour or two a night in the last two weeks, but when he did, his dreams were plagued by screaming girls and mobs and calum leaving. sleeping meant nightmares, so luke preferred to simply not sleep at all, instead wandering out of the hotel to the closest bar he could find.

luke was so lonely, though. he’d never felt so trapped, and he wanted a way out. he wanted quiet. he wanted calum. _you’ll never get him back, though,_ his mind screamed at him. _not after what you did to him._

“shut up,” luke muttered to himself, begging his mind to stop, even if just for a minute.

“you alright there?” asked the bartender, seemingly oblivious to luke’s pain. “you’ve had quite a few. maybe you should call someone to come pick you.”

luke nodded, at a loss for what else to do or say. he unlocked his phone, dialing the first number he thought of, not realizing who it was until it was too late.

“hello?” murmured the voice on the other side of the phone, clearly half asleep.

“hi, um, calum.”

“luke?” calum asked, clearly more awake now. “what’s going on? are you okay? where are you?”

“yeah, i’m fine. kinda. i don’t know where i am?” luke said, looking at the bartender questioningly. the bartender pointed to the sign above the bar where luke was sitting. “oh, um, i’m at mel’s? i think it’s a bar somewhere near the hotel. maybe. i don’t really remember? i dunno. sorry that i woke you up. you can go back to sleep, i’ll just find my way back.”

“luke, it’s almost 5am. i’m not going to let you drunkenly wander the streets of tampa alone. stay there, i’m coming to get you. i’ll be there in 10.” calum responded, hanging up.”

luke lowered the phone from his ear, staring down at it. _does this mean that calum still cares about me? he couldn’t possibly, not after what i did to him. god, how could i be so fucking heartless and selfish? how could i do that to him? i don’t deserve him, why am i so selfish? why does he put up with––_

“luke?” came a familiar voice from behind him. “you ready to go?” 

luke nodded, standing up shakily. calum grabbed his arm and guided him out of the bar and down the street back towards the hotel. they walked in silence for awhile, until luke opened his mouth and let words come spilling out.

“cal, i––i’m really sorry,” luke whispered. “i’m just so scared. everything is happening so fast and you know this and i don’t need to tell you again. i’m just. i’m sorry. you don’t have to forgive me––i mean you probably shouldn’t, i don’t really deserve it––but i just figured i should tell you.”

“luke, i forgive you. of course i do,” calum replied, laughing hoarsely. “hell, i love you, and i don’t think i’m ever going to stop.”

“really?” luke asked, surprised. “even after i––”

“yes, luke. but come back and apologize when you’re sober, okay? just so i know you really mean it.”

luke nodded, looking down and watching his feet as they walked. by this point, they were stepping out of the elevator on their floor.

“goodnight, luke,” calum said, unlocking and walking into his hotel room, shutting it quietly behind him.

“night, cal,” luke muttered, unlocking his own door and wondering if he’d ever find the courage to make things right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not gonna lie at first i was gonna have luke hook up with someone else but then i was like "i can't do this to them" so 
> 
> anyway sorry this is so late!! my computer has been a pain in the ass lately aka every time i try to use it it's slow as hell which really sucks because i have to reschedule some stuff for uni and do prep for some classes and like. it won't work
> 
> so one chapter left!!! hopefully my computer will cooperate and i'll be able to get it up soon :) 
> 
> hope you enjoyed this chapter!


	9. and you knew what it was (he is in love)

luke felt like he could breathe again. he’d only been home for 2 days––and he and calum had been broken up for 21 days (but it felt like so much longer)––yet he could feel air slowly returning to his lungs, could remember why he chose to live the way that he does. 

his life was almost perfect. all he needed, all he wanted, really, was calum. 

but the problem was that luke had absolutely no clue how to get him back. he had to do it while sober, obviously (calum had made that pretty clear), but he also knew that calum wasn’t a fan of huge romantic gestures. he liked the smaller things––the little, every day reminders that someone is loved. luke didn’t really know how to do those, but he was willing to learn. for calum. he’d do anything for calum.

he tried writing calum a song, but the words wouldn’t come. how do you tell someone you fucked up, and that you’re sorry, and that you want to try again, without sounding like a complete ass? yet luke knew this had to be the way he apologized––he’d always expressed himself through music, and calum knew that. and even though he was bad with words, would it be so bad if he borrowed someone else’s?

so luke practiced. he practiced all afternoon, trying to get his voice to stop cracking mid-word, trying to get himself from breaking down mid-verse. eventually, he realized it was as good as it was going to get, so after dinner, he yelled up to his family (who were unaware that anything was wrong with their relationship) that he was heading to calum’s. 

carrying his guitar and what remained of his pride, he started walking towards calum’s, knocking on the door nervously when he got there. calum’s mum answered.

“luke! how wonderful to see you, how are you? are you here for calum?”

“i’m good, bit tired still, how’re you? and yeah, i am.”

“i’m just so happy you boys are home,” joy said, before turning around and yelling up the stairs, “calum, someone is here to see you!”

“be right down!” came calum’s slightly muffled voice from upstairs. a minute later, he was running down the stairs, stopping halfway down when he saw luke. “oh. um, hi, luke.”

“i’ll just leave you two boys to it! don’t do anything i wouldn’t do,” joy smirked, walking back towards the living room.

“why are you here, luke?”

“i was wondering if we could go for a walk. only if you want to, of course, but, um, i’d really like if you wanted to.”

calum nodded, grabbing his jacket off the rack. “okay, let’s go.”

the two boys set out down the street, luke carrying his guitar and leading the way to the park where they had spent so much time while in school. unsurprisingly, the park was empty, and luke led calum over to the benches where parents frequently sat while watching their kids play. luke took out his guitar, holding it gently in his lap until calum broke the silence.

“luke… why are we here?”

luke sat silently for a minute, struggling to find the words. “because i… i messed up, and i hurt you. and i hurt me too, but that doesn’t matter as much. and i really regret it. i thought i knew what i wanted, but as it turns out, all i really want is you. and i know i’m not as good with words as you, but i’m going to try and apologize. i tried to write a song, but that didn’t really work out. it kinda sucked. so i’m just gonna borrow someone else’s words, if that’s okay?”

calum nodded, and luke hesitated for a minute, before starting to play his guitar. as he kept playing and started singing, he could feel tears forming in his eyes, and couldn’t decide whether or not he wanted calum to notice.

“ _a warning sign, it came back to haunt me and i realized that you were an island and i passed you by, and you were an island to discover_ ,” he sang, his voice slowly getting more confident. he refused to look at calum, though. he didn’t want to face rejection yet.

calum sat there quietly, filled with love for this boy who was laying out all his emotions before him.

“ _yeah, the truth is that i miss you so,_ ” luke sang, his voice cracking slightly. “ _and i’m tired, i should not have let you go_.”

luke played for another minute, finishing the song, before freezing and looking down at the ground. 

“so, um, yeah. you don’t have to take me back,” luke muttered, “but i figured i’d let you know.”

“luke,” calum choked, struggling to deal with the overwhelming love he felt in the moment. “i don’t think i’ve ever been more in love with you than i am right now.”

“really?” luke asked, looking up quickly as if in shock. his eyes searched calum’s, looking for a sign that the older boy was lying, but he found none.

“yeah, really,” calum smiled, the first genuine smile luke had seen on his face in weeks.

luke smiled slightly in return, leaning forward into the arms that he’d always thought of as home.

after a few minutes of just sitting there, enjoying being with each other after so long, the two got up and walked hand in hand to luke’s house, where calum walked him to the door and kissed him goodnight, just as he had done after their first date so many months before.

three weeks later, while lying in an unfamiliar bed in london, luke shook calum awake in the middle of the night. 

“what is it, luke?” calum asked, groggily. “is something wrong?”

“cal,” luke smiled, looking across at the boy he wanted to spend forever with, before saying, for the first time, “i love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and it's done! hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> p.s. the song luke sings in this chapter is "warning sign" by coldplay :)
> 
> anyway, thank you all so much for reading, liking, and commenting! i'm very appreciative - i would never have finished it if it wasn't for you guys :) so thank you!


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